My Little Appendage

I don't remember the stage in Grace's babyhood when she went from being an extension of me to being her own little self. Not to say she ever lacked personhood from the moment she was conceived--this is just a reflection on how it feels to have an infant who relies on you for everything.

Tonight was 'Girls' Night' and I went out knowing Joshua would most likely sleep the entire time I was gone, and if not I was a short 7 minute drive away and my darling husband would deal manfully with the consequences of me being gone for those 7 minutes should Joshua wake up wanting something Paul couldn't give. And yet, there were never several minutes together that passed without some thought of his little self, his sweet little sleeping self, and in some way looking forward to being reunited with him when he wakes to nurse tonight.

I have grown comfortable with bringing him into bed with me when he wakes around 12 or 1. I don't even turn the light on anymore, which means I just fall right back asleep nursing. I usually wake up a few hours later (or four) with a sore hip on whatever side I was on and gently take him back to his bed for the remaining few hours of the night so that I can get more comfortable again. I have grown to love this little routine. I wasn't able to enjoy nursing with Gracie like this so it has been a joy.

I often think of how nice it will be when Joshua is a little more independent and doesn't want to nurse so often and can play better with Grace. But I think I will look back with at least a little longing on this time when we are so attached. And not just him to me; it is truly a part of myself that is sleeping soundly in the crib at this moment, and I will miss him a little until he wakes wanting me. :)